Couples Advice

Threesomes: What to Ask a Potential Third

Sexy Woman on Laptop

Pre-hookup discussion questions are more than just a search for compatibility. They help to weed out non-contenders by fishing for red flags.

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These basic questions not only cover ground, they do so without sounding like an interrogation. At the same time they’re fully loaded to reveal more than they suggest.

Have you done this before? If the answer is yes, the next question is how often? You might be turned on by someone with lots of experience. Or it may put you off to think your potential hookup gets around. Same goes for a newbie—it can be exciting to be with someone who’s trying it for the first time, or you might consider them a dud. Only you can decide.

What brand of condom do you use? This can be asked under the guise of ensuring the preferred brand is at hand. What you really want to know is Do you practice safe sex? If they have an answer, bingo. If you hear I don’t use condoms (followed by some lame explanation) run. If the response is No preference, dig deeper.

What’s your preferred position? This will shed light on compatibility. It’s a thrill to discover a lover who loves the same threesome positions, a bummer to discover you’re out of sync. Maybe what they’re after is too intense for you, or maybe it sounds boring. No matter how gorgeous and funny someone is, if you’re not after the same thing in bed then you’re wasting your time.

What’s off limits? This can shed light on how far someone is willing to go. If it sounds to you that they’re willing to go far, consider how far they’ve gone in the past. Maybe this potential hookup is too risky, or maybe they’re into the painful versions of your old favorites. Just be careful: this is about compatibility, not judgement. Remember, you might be the one prepared to go further—which is also good to know in order that you might save yourself from boredom.

Are you looking for a regular hookup? No one says repeats are essential. But it’s easy to understand why you’d hope for one. The best 3sums are, like anything, the result of practice—you can’t practice with someone who has no intention of sticking around. There’s also something a bit icky about being told you’re an intended one night stand. Or not. Either way, wouldn’t you like to know?

Play detective, but be kind. The questions above are predictable and safe, but provide plenty of subtext to keep you fully informed.

Just remember: it’s easy for a stranger to lie. Give yourself time to decide.

Go Team Go!

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