Couples Advice

Threesomes: Your Turn On Is Her Turn On

Woman with Pants Undone

Q: Dear Jamie. My girlfriend says she’s happy to have a threesome with me because it will turn me on. I told her I want her to do it because it turns her on.

She says the thought has never especially appealed to her, but she has no problems with it. I don’t want to do it if she’s just not that into it, or just doing it for me. How can I make her get into it for her own sake? – Kyle

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A: That’s very sweet of you, Kyle, and I do encourage you to continue being so considerate of your sex partners’ needs.

But here’s my advice: thank your lucky stars your girlfriend said yes to a three-way. And give her the due respect you clearly like to give a woman—this time by taking her at her word.

Here’s a secret: a lot of people, men and women, aren’t particularly into a certain sex act or kink or fantasy, but they try it because it excites the person they’re with. That’s how we discover new things, and it’s how we find out we’re wired or not wired for certain kinds of play.

Now I’ll tell you another secret, a politically incorrect one. No matter what I’m doing or where, the most intense aphrodisiac of all is how turned on you get. This is not true for every single woman. And no, this isn’t sexist, because many men feel the same way—there’s no turn on like her turn on.

But sometimes I see an article about how it’s somehow unequal that men get blow jobs but women don’t often receive oral without reciprocation. This kind of tit for tat doesn’t work for me.

I’m guilty of being that totally clothed woman, on her knees, turning you on from beginning to end. And I love it. Why? Orgasms are great, I love them. But the biggest turn on in the world is not my orgasm—it’s yours.

I don’t agree that this is a power imbalance. Your arousal is a powerful aphrodisiac for me.

I also wouldn’t hook up with you for long if you never made me come or don’t give as good as I do. And I certainly won’t be with you for long if you don’t love cunnilingus. I love it, I expect it, and I demand it.

But make no mistake, one of the reasons I love sex most is how you respond.

I love threesomes at least in part because of how much it turns my man on.

So what’s expected of you in this case?

First, don’t assume on her behalf that her prior lack of dreaming about threesomes means she won’t be turned on for it’s own sake. Just like I might not be in the mood for something doesn’t mean my mood can’t change.

In my experience, one girlfriend who was constantly fantasizing about an FFM hookup found it lacking after some experiments. She said the real deal was way more awkward in life than in her imagination.

Another girlfriend who went along with another girl, being a real sport about being part of that ultimate of birthday presents, was surprised by how hot she found casual three-ways. She had never been interested in experimenting with women, but now identifies as bisexual.

So you never know!

Second, trust what she said about being turned on by you being turned on—and make sure she sees how excited you are before, during, and after the big event.

Let me know how it goes!

love,
Jamie  

Tell us what you think! 1 Comment

  1. Renea

    February 19, 2018 at 11:33 am

    New to this just trying to figure out where to start. My partner has brought it up to me.

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