Q & A

When Your Girlfriend Doesn’t Want a Threesome

Couple Embracing in Bed

Dear Jamie,

After two years of begging my girlfriend for a threesome with another woman, she finally said she’ll try it. But now I don’t know if she’s just giving in. I really care about her and don’t want to lose her, but I’m dying to have more than one woman in my bed. – Marko

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Hi Marko, it’s clear to me that you feel your girlfriend has just consented to please you. If your concern is that that your “begging” was actually pressuring her to do something sexually she doesn’t want, you’re the one in the position to know what your motivations were, and you should go with what you know is right and not proceed with a threeway.

I would use this as an opportunity for repairing rifts or uncertainties and building a deeper relationship. A solid relationship might lead to sexy adventures that your girlfriend will legitimately want.

If you learned anything from Fifty Shades of Grey, it’s not that men should be hot, rich, and dominant—it’s that women are extremely interested in liberating their most extreme sexual desires WHEN the man is completely devoted to them.

It might be that the two of you are not compatible. But you say you really care about her and if you do, consider worrying about her sexual needs and not just yours. This need might be for security and devotion or it might be something wilder you haven’t encountered yet because you have been making her feel she isn’t enough for you.

I would go to her and say you’ve changed your mind because you see that you have been selfishly pressuring her. Tell her you were dying to see her with another woman and still are, but that you want to put that aside and stop making what’s not there the center of your sex life. Start focusing on her needs and fantasies. Focus on the sex you ARE having with the lover who is there.

I’m polyamorous and love sex with different partners, men and women. That’s why I didn’t commit to monogamy with a particular person. You did. Commitment costs something, but it means something too. You get something I don’t, and I get something you don’t. We both chose what we wanted. You can back out of your commitment and move on to a place where there are lots of threesomes. Would it be worth it? I can’t answer that for you.

Be honest with your girl. Tell her you’re hoping your change of heart right now might mean a genuine change of heart in the future on her part. Tell her that you have decided not to follow through after all that begging and whining because you went about it the wrong way and weren’t really considering where she was coming from.

If you can use this impasse to build a real connection, rebuild trust, and prioritize her sexual needs, you will be more sexually satisfied even if you never have another threesome.

I don’t always recommend that we put aside our own sexual needs and fantasies, but when we pressure a partner into something they don’t want, getting our way isn’t hot at all. The threesome would be terrible. Enjoy the intimacy and sex that giving up the chase will mean as you repair things on the home front. It might be the best sex you’ve ever had together.

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

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