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Threesome Hygiene Etiquette

Woman with Pants Undone

To anyone and everyone practising or considering 3sums: Please, come gather round for the kind of discussion that spoils the sexy mood but is nonetheless essential. I call your attention to personal hygiene, and what others within your intimate vicinity expect of it.

Let’s unpack this into three (my favorite number!) piles.

1. Basic Consideration

We’d like to think the following are obvious, but when it comes to sex (or hygiene) I’ve learned that nothing can be taken for granted.

  • Shower/bathe. Do it immediately before the hookup—the shower you had in the morning before work doesn’t count.
  • Shave. Stubble, wherever it may be, hurts.
  • Trim. Unless heavy bush is your thing, less pubes means less interruptions while having to dig short’n’curlies from the back of our throats.
  • Douche (vaginal and/or anal). We’re diving in—let us not find rank buried treasure.

2. Hmmm, That Actually Hadn’t Occurred to Me…

  • Trim pubes. Why am I listing this one again? Because I have no doubt that all the men who read it above considered it a duty for women. Men should trim, too!
  • Clip your fingernails. First, those fingers are going places where cuts are unwelcome. Second, avoid collecting unwanted guck under there.
  • Exfoliate your feet. With the help an extra set of hands, you’ll be managing positions you never thought possible (unless you enroll in my yoga class, that is). But those hands will need to grip your feet in order to make it happen, so scrub that sandpaper from your heels. And you’ll be awfully embarrassed if you slice your partner’s palm with your long sharp toenails. Clip those too, please.

3. Don’t Be an Arse

I trust your sex will be safe. That being said, if you fail to disclose any of the following beforehand, we will beat you on the head with a John Holmes dildo.

  • “No matter what I try, these genital warts just won’t go away.”
  • “I have syphilis, but I’m on penicillin. It’s almost gone.”
  • “Tell me again the difference between the different Heps…?”

You get the idea. Basically, if it can’t be showered away, we’d like to know about it up front so we can make our own informed decision.

Now get clean! …so you can get good and dirty!

Go Team Go!

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