Inviting a third person into your sexual play and proclaiming “It will so hot!” is is a surefire way to wake that horrifying green-eyed monster—jealousy.
Even if you or your partner don’t consider it’s arrival—or vehemently deny that you’ll experience it—rest assured that it will no doubt nevertheless be there in some shape or form.
What’s even worse is that far too many people, even those with lots of experience in non-monogamous or polyamory relationships, feel that jealousy is not just toxic but actually wrong.
Here’s the thing: not only is jealousy a legitimate emotion, and should always be acknowledged, but being jealous is never a wrong thing to feel. That doesn’t mean it has to be toxic, or that there aren’t good techniques for you and your partner, as well as anyone you want to bring into the relationship, to use to understand and even minimize it.
How to Cope with Jealousy in Threesomes
Keep Communication Clear
One of the first things to do to keep control of the green-eyed monster is to work very, very hard on being open and direct with how you are feeling at any point. If you or your circle feel that you can’t be honest with your emotions for fear of being rejected or shamed, then that is not a healthy relationship.
To work best, open relationships need to be structured so that everyone can share, be heard, and feel respected for their feelings. How you do this is up to you and everyone there, but doing so can mean the difference between happy times and major conflicts.
Be Open and Honest
Clear and unbiased communication is not just something spoken or written to those in your sexual group. Rather, it begins with being clear and honest with yourself and what you’re feeling. This not only means saying you’re angry or depressed, but also working to try to understand why you are having these emotions.
Check out The Origins of Jealousy in Relationships at Polyamory Today.
Maybe it’s because you’re feeling left out? Or perhaps it’s because you feel someone is getting something out of the relationship you aren’t? Or is it that you are feeling out of control and without a say in what’s happening? By being direct with yourself, you can then bring this to the people in your triad.
Offer Reasonable Solutions
Sometimes when jealousy strikes we overreact, feeling attacked or dismissed. Because of this, it’s common for people to throw the baby out with the bathwater and demand unreasonable things from the relationship. Instead, try to offer something concrete and simple that you and those in your circle can actually work to make happen.
This can be anything from asking for a short break, getting more time with a lover or partner, time alone, or curtailing certain behaviors. It’s important to note that sometimes even these don’t work—the core of feeling jealousy isn’t as clear as you thought it was.
Know You are Not Alone
It’s a myth that everyone who plays with threeways holds hands the entire time and makes pancakes in the morning. Sure, there might be great times, but no one is ever perfect. So when the rough times come (and they will), understand that this is all part of the process. If you all work together, treat each other with respect and affection, then there’s a good chance you’ll get through it.
Do What’s Best for You
This may not be something you want to hear, but sometimes threeways and open relationships don’t work. The reasons can be wide and varied, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.
And guess what? There’s nothing wrong with that. No, we’re not saying you should jump ship at the first sign of trouble but rather know that if it’s just not working out—for whatever reason—there’s no shame in deciding you want to take a break, or even deciding that for you or someone you care about that this is not a situation that creates the most happiness.
Is Your Relationship Ready for a Threesome?
Yes, jealousy is something that more than likely you or someone in your threeway will experience at some time or another. It’s a fact, or so common that it might as well be. But that doesn’t mean the world has to end with screaming and broken dishes.
Do some work on yourself, listen to what your partners have to say (really listen), offer realistic and fair solutions, and never forget that this is all a process with ups and downs aplenty.
How do you deal with jealousy in open relationships and threesomes?
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