Just the Tips

Threesomes: Finding the Elusive Unicorn

Sexy Woman with Freckles

Ah, that far too often elusive, most-mystical of beasts in an open or polyamorous couple’s love life: the single female to join in the fun.

But the unicorn doesn’t have to only be the stuff of legend! Nope, with some work and a lot of patience, it could be possible to someday have the threesome of your erotic dreams.

Tips to Find a Threesome Unicorn

Be Realistic

One of the first things many couples have to overcome is separating the adult-entertainment illusions from the frequently cold-hard facts of finding a third. In short, they aren’t called unicorns for nothing: the odds of finding someone not just willing but excited to fit the bill is rarely something that happens overnight.

Get on the Same Page

Before you begin your search it’s important for you and your significant other to not just communicate, but really really communicate.

And I don’t just mean a few whispers now and again when you’re both turned on, but rather what you both want to have happen, what scares you, what’s a deal-breaker, and—this is crucial—to set up a great deal of respect and trust for each other in case something goes wrong.

This could be anything from jealousy, feeling left out, mixed-up emotions, finding the reality isn’t as fun as your fantasies—the sky quite literally is the limit when it comes to potential monkey wrenches in your three-way fun. So talk, talk, and talk some more, create contingency plans and safe words, and while you hope for the best, always plan for the opposite.

Show Respect

This communication is even more important when reaching out to a potential third for your fun. Don’t just accept a quick, off-the-cuff agreement, but instead take time to make sure they understand what you’re offering. Listen to and respect their boundaries and limits, and—as with your partner—make solid plans for when things aren’t going smoothly.

Express What You Are Offering

Not only is all this communication essential but if you and your partner play your cards right, it can actually help you in your unicorn hunting. After all, what’s more attractive to a potential playmate: a couple who are just sort of winging it, or a couple who will treat you as a real human being and not just a prop in a fantasy?

By being clear with yourselves and each other, you can be direct about what you’re actually bringing to the table, er bedroom. By this I mean you’ll be able to say to someone what you both want, your limits, as well as being present and respectful to what your third wants or doesn’t want.

Take Your Sweet Time

Yes, there are instances where a couple lands a third right out of the gate, but those are truly the stuff of legend. The fact is that this will no doubt take a major investment in time and energy. This isn’t about playing the numbers game—it’s about taking baby steps instead of jumping in with both feet.

Let’s create a positive scenario: after huge amounts of time getting to know each other—what your fantasies, fears, and hopes about an encounter are—you finally decide to give it a whirl. But instead of just throwing yourselves out there, take it in increments: talk about how you’re both feeling with each step of the process, from going to clubs and actively looking, to the language in your dating profile.

Practice Safe Consensual Sex

No means no, and stop means stop. If things are moving too fast for either of you, there should also be the respected power to call it quits at any time for any reason. Not doing this, or setting up a dynamic where this is seen as a bad thing, is pretty much a recipe for a relationship disaster.

While it’s never a guarantee—we are, after all, talking about human beings here—if you and your partner take the time to deeply and sincerely understand each other, and not just your fantasies and dreams but deep-down insecurities and fears about having a threesome, you could very well set the stage for having a fun time with another person.

But even if you never do land the mythical unicorn, by doing all this you and your partner will have a better relationship because of it. So even though you may not have what you want, you will have gotten what both of you sexually needs.

And that, folks, is not a myth but a beautiful reality that can be there for anyone in any relationship.

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