With all the discussions there are about how a couple can connect with a third person for some bedroom sexy play, it’s surprising that there’s often little talk about this third person’s feelings.
When a couple decides to open their relationship to play with another, all kinds of things can happen. Good things, sure, but also things that can bring up feelings that can rock even the most stable of relationships.
These surfacing feelings sometimes cause a couple to rethink the idea of having a third person to play with, even after some play has happened. But while closing this door can make a couple feel more secure, this other person’s feelings can also be hurt.
So what can a couple do to stay aware and, most of all, be respectful to the people they play with? In a nutshell, it’s about expanding their sense of empathy.
Tips for Your Relationship with a Third
Be clear at the onset.
A great way to avoid hurt feelings is to be as transparent as possible with the people you play with. If you are new to having a third, then explain this to your potential playmate, as well as discussing your expectations and boundaries.
Don’t promise that it will all be tea and crumpets, but rather that this is all new and somewhat uncertain. It may not keep feelings from being hurt but at least if the bad news comes, there will be some padding to cushion the blow.
Communicate before and after.
If something does happen to your relationship where you and your partner decide not to see another person for play, don’t just ghost them. Respect that they may have valid feelings and might benefit from some kind words or support. It may not be much, even explaining why it didn’t work out, but frequently every little bit helps.
Similarly, if you and your significant other only want casual play, or even just a one-time thing, be up front that this is what you’re inviting your third into—don’t take it for granted that this is understood.
Don’t make promises you can’t keep.
In moments of passion—having a third can be that and more—we can easily become overly excited and spin tales of future vacations together, sharing holidays, or even co-habitation.
This might sound innocuous, just fantasies shared among playmates, but for someone who is new to threesomes—especially when sex and play are involved—it can sometimes be a big deal. So even though it might be tempting, do try and keep your wouldn’t-this-be-cool and what-if fantasies realistic, at least until you’ve been together for an extended period of time.
Respect their emotions.
Every now and again a third will have a challenging time after a three-way situation doesn’t work out. Rather than dismissing these feelings, which can make things worse, discuss needs and desires between you, your partner, and your third that would make things work better.
It might be as simple as having a nice dinner, or even giving your third some time to cry, but whatever it is offer it with sincerity and respect for how they might be feeling.
Choose Your third wisely.
It can be tempting to consider a mutual friend for a third, but be aware of what could happen it things don’t work out. Not only can it be icky for you and your partner, but it can also have serious and long-lasting repercussions for your relationship with this friend, possibly even affect many other relationships.
If you are considering someone you both know, try to keep a level head and consider not just how much fun they might be but what could go wrong.
Playing with someone you may not have social connections with can sometimes be the better option. While it doesn’t mean you can just walk away from them, there’s a good chance that should something happen it won’t be as traumatic.
When you and your partner bring someone else into your bedroom, and even your life, what can happen—for good as well as potentially bad—involves more than just the two of you, so care and respect your partner, yourself, and also the person you’re playing with.
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