Compersion—the opposite of sexual jealousy—is a word made up expressly for the polyamorous desire to attain it. While poly people or those of us who enjoy group sex like threesomes may still struggle with jealousy, there is an alternative and we call it “compersion.”
Instead of feeling possessive, sick to our stomach, paranoid, and hit in the gut—we sometimes achieve a kind of joy or happiness from knowing that our partner is experiencing sexual pleasure.
“Feeling all warm and gooey because your spouse had a great time banging someone else is not something we’re socialized to feel. We can be thrilled for our partner if they get a raise or promotion, but why can’t we be happy for our partners who find joy in bed with someone else?”
So asked Gracie X at the Huffington Post some years back, and it’s a question we can revisit periodically, especially if we’re turned on by threesomes and want to control and direct our emotional responses to sharing our sexual partner with someone else.
I’m not sure I agree with Gracie X that jealousy and its joyful opposite are entirely the results of social conditioning. While the animal kingdom isn’t particularly monogamous, jealousy is rampant and observable in many species. It’s a default position for food as well as for available sex partners.
Most animals don’t sit around the table laughing, drinking and sharing the prey with rival neighbors. But we do. And we can take the same joy in our partner’s sexual joy too. It takes a conscious decision. As much as polyamory may be in our nature, it seems jealousy is too. But our default positions aren’t our destiny. We can control and change our responses.
Maybe you’ve been here, where I have: a lover begged you to fuck someone else so they could watch and then join in. Excited, you made it happen. Then they acted strangely, couldn’t get into the threesome, and blamed you later for sleeping with someone else.
For me, this happens more often in MMF threesomes. Most guys understand at a visceral level that they’re not “in competition” with another woman, and can feel compersion more readily. But as hot as the thought of watching a man bang my ass from behind seems, in reality, it can be harder to enjoy my abandon.
On the other hand, in the same FFM threesome that you are quite comfortable with, the woman often has a harder time. During the threesome, we are hyper aroused, but later act strangely. This is egged on when you mention hooking up with Rebecca again every change you get.
We can learn to enjoy not only our own arousal and chance to get off with three in the bed, but be happy FOR the sexual pleasure and excitement that another party brings our partner. Compersion is a useful concept for those of us who want to explore threesomes or enjoy them already.
You have to consciously work at compersion, but with a little practice it will start to come naturally. Every time you get that pang of jealousy at the thought of how she screamed when his huge cock entered her, turn it around in your mind. You control your mind and responses, and trading in our baggage makes more room for hot threesomes and a stronger relationship.
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