Mona, 37, was never the kinky kind, and her first and only boyfriend was her first and only husband. She prided herself on hot monogamy and believed in one man, one woman.
But after divorcing, fairly amicably and not over infidelity, Mona found herself surprisingly attracted to untraditional arrangements… and to freedom.
Here’s her story.
Jamie: You describe yourself as a “committed third wheel on the wagon” and say being the “third” is now the only role you’re interested in. What happened to prompt this change in attitude or preference?
Mona: Just like some people are most attracted to a one-on-one relationship, or to chubby women, or to Latin men; I discovered something I didn’t know about myself—I am most attracted to two people at once.
I’m equally attracted to men and women, and having that experience simultaneously is something else. I’m also really turned on by watching, and the threesome fulfills that.
As for my joking “third wheel” reference, I’m also really attracted to the freedom that comes with that. I am so fortunate to have experienced the blessing of a loving, faithful marriage for the first fifteen years of my sexual life. This puts me in a unique position where I never have to long for or wonder what that might be like.
Jamie: So you don’t regret or resent your marriage?
Mona: Hell, no! It made me emotionally rich and stable. Because I was loved so securely, I found myself totally independent and not looking for a replacement partnership. I want a world free of romantic drama, and this is just another way. One way was through total involvement and absorption with one, and this is through complete avoidance of emotional entanglement, enjoying empowerment through pleasurable sexual encounters. For me, this means threesomes.
Jamie: So how did you discover the three-way? Was it something you’d always dreamed about? Did it happen by accident? How did you figure out this was where you felt best?
Mona: I was sexually awakened with my husband, but by chance the first fling I had after was a three-way. I wanted casual sex because I’d never experienced that, and I knew I was attracted to women but had committed to one person, not to exploring that side of me. So I wanted to discover what that would be like. But I didn’t know how to please a woman and didn’t want to send mixed signals about dating, so I thought to seek out a couple who wanted a third. For me, it was perfect.
Jamie: What advice would you give women who are reticent about a threesome?
Mona: I would say, there’s a careful line between overreaching into something that doesn’t appeal to you just for the sake of it, and the fact that you might surprise yourself like I did with something new.
Threesomes are not for everyone and having been in a blessed monogamous relationship, when very pro-sex folks or kinky folks get really noisy about their preferences and how everyone should experience them, I get uncomfortable. Just as I get upset when people impose their negative ideas about premarital sex.
No, it’s not true that everyone should have kinky sex or threesomes—we are uniquely wired, and the place of deep fulfillment is different for different people.
That said, be open to surprises. After fifteen years with only one, I have now spent five years single, with regular threesome arrangements. Who knew that I would find perfect spirituality in sensuality? I do see it that way, being open and free, but I saw being committed the same way—it is simply how I view sexuality and how I participate in it, that no matter what I do, it will be these things for me.
You may fulfill yourself in another way you aren’t expecting to. But if you have something that is already working for you, don’t think the grass is greener just for the hell of it.
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