When I worked at the CBC for a few months, they had a term in the newsroom that was pretty interesting. As soon as anyone had an idea, they would say, “Okay that’s cool. Now, who’s going to do THE ASK?”
At first, I was a bit Scooby-Doo rowlfingly flabbergasted, as I’ve never heard anyone refer to requests like that, but it made strange sense upon hearing it. I have never actually implemented this practice into my own life, but the concept did stick around. I know that when I’m dealing in business now, the moment I shift things into seriousness mode is when I make a request to receive something tangible that requires trust.
Translating this practice to the realm of sexuality (where I have metaphorically and literally done business as pleasure) the concept still remains the same in essence: who’s going to do THE ASK?
In the world we live in these days, for the most part, I find that the weight of initiation and the expectation of instigation rests on the shoulders of the man. Sadly, I’ve heard many women say, “We just circle each other flirting, and nobody makes the first move!” Obviously, some women do, but how many don’t? Too many more than happiness desires.
In polyamory, it comes down to asking for one (or one group) of things, and then comfortably coasting inside the boundaries of what the partners have structured. When it comes to threesomes, it’s usually a one-and-done situation, where THE ASK is good for ONE threesome, and to have another one requires the courage of Another Ask.
Now, what really are the elements of THE ASK in a threesome? I haven’t broken them all down, but here are a few:
Time. When are we all supposed to do the do? For it to be an actual threesome, we all must be at the same place at the same time, and agree to the fun. Is it one time or more? Probably best to see after we make the first one happen!
Space. How much PERSONAL time do my partners and I need to process what we are about to do? Do you need to talk to yourself about confidence and such? Do you need separate conversations with anyone? Are you sure you’re sure?
Place. So, now that we’ve all decided to fuck each other, where are we going to do it? Is it safe and sound? Is it clean and cozy? Is it private and pleasant? Does it have all the blankets and protection and stuff we all need? I hope so!
Discretion. Is this threesome going to be discreet or not? Do I have to keep my mouth shut that we’ve all fucked? Or can we share this at our next house party as the drunken story we tell people to break the ice?
Boundaries. Are we agreeing to not think about getting together again, or are we allowed to reach out to talk to each other after? If someone is still on my mind, what do I do with that? Can I contact one, and not the other?
These are probably going to be what matters to the average adventurer in erotics when it comes to THE ASK of threesomes. So know what’s inside your soul before you reach out to those who hopefully care to get naughty with you as well! Can’t hurt to ask…
Go for it,
Addi Stewart
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