Just the Tips

Where NOT to Have a Threesome

Woman in Garters

The Jenna Jameson look-a-like who wants to hook up with you and your bestie has a gorgeous riverfront condo.

She doesn’t live with kids or her mother, and there’s lots of parking, so why is she so reluctant to host the three-way that was her idea in the first place?

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The only good time to hook up at her place is when she expressly volunteers the option.

Maybe this isn’t making sense. Your bachelor pad is piled with moldy Chinese takeout boxes and your sheets have football players on them. It’s not the best setting when she’s got shag carpeting and a sweet sound system. What gives?

Understand, her home is her sanctuary. The swank setting that seems perfect to indulge your wildest hungers is where she is guarded and protective. Not the mood you want in the middle of a three-way!

Don’t pester, needle, beg, or whine. Instead, clean up your shack, or better, rent a decent hotel room.

She doesn’t need to give you a reason, but as that woman, I’m going to share a few of our reasons with you.

1. It’s too intimate.

Say what? You’re planning on a hot, sweaty double-penetration marathon, so things are going to get intimate.

But sharing our natural wild instincts isn’t the same as sharing everyday details of our life. Sometimes, we just aren’t ready for you to look at our book shelf, the pictures of our grandmother, or the state of our closets. Maybe we don’t want to bang two boys at once in the bed Daddy made in his shop.

2. We don’t feel safe.

Thankfully women are free today to explore and pursue their sexual desires. But that doesn’t mean there are no risks. Women who are sexually adventurous understand that you still don’t give your address out to every Tom, Dick and Harry. It’s foolish to let strangers all know where we live.

3. It’s too much effort.

Easy for you to imagine her draped half-naked over a grand piano, while you fix Scotch from the bar. Soon you and your friend will both be making love to her on her white leather sofa.

Or something.

Yeah, that does sound great. But on this end, not so much. I don’t want to spend the morning wiping cat hairs off the furniture and restocking the bar and washing windows and robes and towels and sheets for three. I work, and I also want to work out and have lunch with my girlfriends, not clean. It kind of detracts from the hot sex ahead when I’ve already been on my knees all day with a bucket and a rag.

4. We don’t know when you’ll leave.

If I meet you both at a hotel, or at your house, I decide when I’m done. If the chemistry is wrong or there are red flags, I can walk before the party starts. If it’s right, we can order room service for champagne and clean sheets in between rounds all weekend long. If I can’t sleep because someone is snoring, I can slip away and leave a saucy note behind.

Maybe I don’t want two men crashing on that white sofa, or maybe I like to keep the thrill of the night before on my mind and not have to wait in line for my own powder room the morning after.

Now it all makes more sense, right? I admit we may seem to you like strange creatures, but more often than not, there’s a method to our madness!   

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