Dear Jamie,
Here’s a dilemma you probably don’t hear about too often. You probably get lots of inquiries about guys wanting threesomes and wondering how to convince their girlfriend to be into it. Maybe you get notes from women complaining that their boyfriends want a threeway, and they don’t. But I’m the guy in that rare situation: I have absolutely no desire to have a threesome, but my girlfriend keeps asking me about it.
I really don’t want to bring anyone else into the bedroom, and probably won’t want to later on, either. Although I love lots of sex and have an adventurous and even kinky side, I really believe sex is best when it’s shared by two people. Threesomes are just one part of an amazing fantasy life we have, but I don’t want to involve anyone but us in real life. We are both in our thirties, fit and attractive, and we have amazing sex.
Since my girlfriend has brought it up more than a few times, do you think we are just incompatible? I love her and don’t want to lose her, but I also don’t want to sleep with anyone else while we are committed to each other. – Old Fashioned Joe
Hi Joe,
Congratulations on being in the position that is the envy of every man!
It’s not that unusual for couples to have opposing desires and different views of what sex is about. Your best bet to start things off is to have an open, honest conversation about this outside of the bedroom. Talking about it when you’re both horny or amped up emotionally won’t get things sorted out.
What you want to express and explain is exactly what you shared with me: your beliefs about sex and commitment. Those are outside of fantasies. You and your girlfriend have different ideas about what fantasies and actual sexual expression can be, and you want to both share your viewpoints and get them out in the open.
You’ll want to ask some difficult questions about threesomes: how important is this to her, and why?
It’s possible that she wants to be adventurous and open minded FOR YOU, and that assuring her she is all you want, even as you explore all kinds of sex fantasies, might be all you need going forward.
Your girlfriend might feel that the norm of the day is polyamory or inclusive sexuality. It’s true that the stigma around sex with multiple partners is rapidly disappearing and more and more people, including doctors, psychologists, and social scientists, consider polyamorous arrangements and understandings to be normal, healthy, and beneficial.
She may feel she “should” be open to more, or she might be polyamorous and hope you’ll be open to it too. Find out where she is coming from.
A lot of women, like myself, who love men, also enjoy sex with other women. We may be bisexual or simply find the variety erotic, and if we are committed to a guy, we can’t express that part of ourselves. So a threesome is a wonderful way to share that side of us with our partner.
Ultimately you have to get to the bottom of one thing: what both of you ultimately desire in sex, and what kind of compromise each of you is willing to make.
Best of luck, and let us know how it goes!
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