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How to Feel More Relaxed in a Threesome

Steamy Couple in Bed

Was your last threesome full of anxiety and trepidation? Did you fumble your way through, then end it prematurely with an early exit?

It’s natural to feel nervous before and even during a group sex encounter, especially if it’s your first one, but when the nerves take center stage, you may not want to relive the experience ever again.

We all feel a little anxious before a first date, so it’s only natural to have a few more butterflies than normal when two people join us instead of just one. And if it’s a threesome you’ve set up through online dating, that just adds to the expectation.

The reality is that most threesomes are set up ahead of time, whether you’re single and found a couple with an open relationship to join, or you’ve found a third to join you and your wife or girlfriend. Spontaneous threesome hookups are incredible, but very rare.

How to Feel Relaxed in a Threesome

Wind down before you wind up.

When you meet up as three, hearts will be a racing, so take some time to yourself in the hours before to relax. For me, this would include some yoga and classical music. For you and others it may look very different. Maybe tinkering with your car chills you out, or watching your favorite movie. Go to your go-to place or activity that you know is calming.

Don’t replay your fantasies over and over in your mind.

Fantasies are fun. We all have sexual desires and play them out when masturbating or just daydreaming. But the problem with playing them over and over is that they can turn into expectations. Nothing can live up to our fantasies, so make sure you accept this truth before going in to avoid disappointment.

Share your feelings, but don’t dwell on them.

As someone who could be described as a Nervous Nelly, especially when I was younger and less confident, I always find it helpful to just blurt out that I’m nervous (in any situation) rather than do my best to conceal it. Identifying and sharing your honest feelings in the moment can not only help break the tension that arises from anxiety, but also break the ice and build trust with new partners.

Don’t forget to breathe.

For people who struggle with chronic or debilitating anxiety, you already know this. But a gentle reminder every now and again never hurts. When you’re with two beautiful babes, watching them kiss and caress each other, you might find yourself holding your breath. Let it out, inhale, hold, then exhale. Repeat.

Stay in the moment.

What can help ground you is staying focused in the moment. How can you do this when your nerves are running the show? Make eye contact when you’re engaging physically with your partners. It may not be easy, but force yourself at least a few times to connect on a deeper level. Speak to your lovers. Express your gratitude. Check in with yourself. Make sure no one is feeling left out.

Don’t try to do it all.

If you’re trying to live out your every fantasy—voyeurism, bondage, spanking, role playing, sensory play, anal, submission, CBT—in your threesome, you’ll likely ramp up the anxiety and collapse into a puddle of mush. It’s always better to let a threesome play out naturally than to fit all your wishes into the same dream. After all, if it’s good, you’ll all probably all want to meet up again.

Take a break if you need to.

Sometimes anxiety can turn into a full-on panic attack. If you feel one coming on or you’re uncomfortable in any way, excuse yourself and find a safe space, whether in another room or in the bathroom. Splash some cold water on your face, take some deep breaths, talk yourself down. If it’s too much, don’t be afraid to end things.

Do you struggle with anxiety in high-octane sexual situations? Share your tips in the comments!

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