Even if you think you’ve done all kinds of life-changing personal work and feel that your noggin’ is screwed on straight when it comes to opening up your relationship, jealousy can and more than likely will still come up.
This doesn’t mean it has to be a total disaster for you and your partner, though. Instead, it can be a force for good—a wake-up call that there are still things to work on.
With this in mind, we’d like to offer some ideas on not only how to recognize jealousy when it does appear, but also how to handle it and understand where it comes from.
6 Tips to Handle Jealousy in Threesome Situations
1. Don’t Beat Yourself Up
Jealousy is human nature. Even the seemingly most together people, sometimes with years of non-monogamous experience, can feel insecure.
This does not mean that you shouldn’t recognize it and be willing to work through it, but try not to shame yourself for feeling it in the first place.
2. Dig Down Deep
Jealousy can be an extremely powerful emotion that commonly clouds the real issues around it. Initially, you might think you’re angry at your partner for something not immediately connected to inviting a third person in, but after some meditation, or therapy, you might realize that you’re actually upset over feelings of abandonment or worries about your sexual performance.
So while it’s tempting to give in to the first bloom of insecurity, try digging deeper to examine the roots.
3. Communicate Your Feelings
Often the key to a happy three-way experience is clear communication with everyone involved.
It’s even more important when jealousy arrives on the scene. After all, if you can’t share your feelings, then how can you expect them to be recognized, and then understood and worked through. We are not mind readers.
So from the get go, work to create a way for everyone involved in the threesome to be able to not just say what they want, but to also be heard—discuss expectations and boundaries before something uncomfortable happens.
4. Offer Reasonable Solutions
While being able to talk about your feelings is a key part of working through them, it’s also a good idea to use your self-examination to bring up ways to alleviate your feelings.
Jealous feelings can do a number on us and cloud our judgement of the situation. It’s not a bad thing to feel jealous, it’s how you deal with it that matters. If you feel your blood boiling mid-threesome, take a break, talk with your partners, and if necessary end things.
There might be more to work out with your primary partner, or on your own, but there’s nothing wrong with re-evaluating your interest or desire for group sex encounters.
5. Build an Atmosphere of Trust
Whether it’s your first threesome or twentieth, there needs to be a foundation of trust. Without it, no one feels safe or comfortable saying how they are feeling or that their needs will be respected.
When trust is there, it can be a huge tool to help process feelings of insecurity. Getting there can take time, and might involve quite a few stumbles along the way, but it’s always worth it. Think of your foundation of trust as a preventative measure.
A good way to bolster trust in a relationship is by sharing, and truly listening, to everyone involved. This can be scary, but hiding your true feelings, or feeling that you can’t share, will do far more harm than good.
6. Love Yourself
When insecurities pop up they can make us feel unworthy, that we are not valued. In open relationships, we can worry about being replaced. While there are all kinds of things that can sometimes alleviate this, like sincere reassurances from a partner, the true center of this is that we often don’t value—or love—ourselves.
Jealousy is a very human emotion that we all feel at one time or another. It can be painful, and even require taking a break from open-relationship experiences, but by facing it head on and getting to the core of why it’s being felt, we can not only strengthen our relationships with others, but also with ourselves.
Have you experienced jealousy in your open relationship? Please share in the comments!
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