Just the Tips

Precautions for Sexual Summertime Misadventures

Yacht Party

It’s summertime now, at least where I’m living anyhow. I just got back from a long trip and came home to blooming flowers and people in short shorts. How wonderful!

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There are going to be a lot of temptations to take your love outdoors now that the weather is nice. Be wary, though, my friends. Things can get complicated.

I recommend not having a threesome on the deck of your yacht. At least don’t do it in the harbor. It might seem fun and exhibitionist to you, but the fact is that we live in the age of cameras. People will stand there like fascinated monkeys and film you without shame. Do you really want the muscles of your pumping ass to be visible on social media forever

You might go for a job interview and people will be like, “Oh you’re that guy who fucked on the yacht and let everybody film you! We’re sorry, we don’t necessarily want to have you be the face of our new Teddy Bear’s for Tots in Africa campaign.”

See, nowadays people are very fast to draw those links between things. If it’s out there, some maniac will find it, and you will be busted. In some ways anonymity is preferable to fame.

Resist your urge to go the extreme cougar or sugar daddy route. Odd as it may seem, one of the age groups with the fastest growing rate of sexually transmitted infections is people over sixty. Some of them will go raw anytime you ask for it, and may not even demand a condom in the first place. You really don’t want any nasty and incurables that the foxy MILF you met during the opera intermission is carrying. Wrap it up, my man.

Another tidbit of advice is to avoid coolers and box wine. I know this isn’t exactly sexual advice, but those sugar-heavy summer drinks are going to give you a shitty headache. If you’re at a place where those are the beverage options, you’re probably going to end up meeting people who are possessed of terrible judgement. From this terrible judgement will come threesomes that you will regret.

I guarantee that if you end up in a double paternity suit with two women over fifty, who you didn’t realize were taking fertility treatments because they wanted just one more shot at having a baby, and at the same time you end up with both interstellar syphilis and intergalactic AIDS, it will be because you went to a gala with box wine and lost control of your senses.

You think I’m kidding, but I don’t make this kind of stuff up! It has happened to me like seven times.

Tell us what you think!

Tell us what you think!

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